Hi gang!! Wish I had better results news, but it turns out that it was a clear cell sarcoma tumor in my right humerus bone. ($@#%!) Wasn't what we were hoping to hear BUT I am not surprised. The next steps are to have a MRI and PET Scan in roughly seven (7) weeks. The reason for the delay is because the RFA (radiofrequency ablation) will leave behind lots of inflammation. Those that are unfamiliar, it will cause uptake on the PET and then we won't be able to tell anything. I decided to take the approach of.....enjoying the summer with my boys and worrying about August when it is August!
I rarely talk about survivability with people other than my little crew I have. Your chances of 5-year survivability drastically decrease when the sarcoma metastasizes. I had managed to keep it in one area for so long. It is terrifying to know that this is not a good result. However, I have so much "mom'ing" and "wife'ing" left to do, so I am not going down without a fight. You can carve those words in stone.
My fear of not being there has skyrocketed. I had all of these fears and anxiety when I first was diagnosed in 2019. It took me roughly 2 years before I started to let myself think of the future again. I feel like ever since I became hopeful, it has been one piece of disappointing news after the other. I find myself counting months to different events and wondering if time-wise it would be possible in a worst-case scenario situation. I just want so desperately to be there for Jackson's senior nights, and HS graduation, drop him off at college, and drive back and forth to college to bring him food and clean laundry! I want to see him graduate college and start his career. I want to be there at his wedding so we can do this ridiculously hilarious choreographed mother/son dance just for laughs! I want to hold his children and watch my beautiful child grow into an amazing father.
I'm mad, sad, devastated, furious and that is all within one hour. I'm hopeful, jealous, happy, and then curious to wonder what I did to deserve this, why do Nick and Jackson deserve this? I often wonder how I am not in the looney bin yet. Thankfully with therapy, I have learned to validate my feelings and know that it is ok to not be ok. As I plan my next steps to prolong my life, I can't help being frustrated with people who are bad mothers and aren't there for their children. Grandparents who barely know their grandchildren. Here I am willing to do whatever it takes to be here for my son and his future family. I want to grow old with my husband. I am angry because this all seems like it is too much to ask. Yet people that do have it, take it for granted.
Sorry, wanted to get real with you for a minute and share some of the inner workings of my brain. Back to other things.
New Socket!! I was due to get my new socket today (my current one is a disaster) and I have been counting down the days for two weeks. Of course, they call and canceled at the last minute because of a paperwork issue. Seriously?!?! My socket is ready but I can't have it b/c of insurance & business processes. I think my brain is just going to boil at some point. Maybe I'll get it next week. So frustrating!
I have spent a lot of time being positive and trying to focus on things that I have to look forward to. Things that will keep my mind occupied. So stay tuned for my next post as I collect thoughts on my Bucket List and how you might be able to help me!!
As always, I will take your thoughts, prayers, good karma, pixie dust and luck! I will fight this!!
Love,
Cort
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